As fast-moving advancements in technology continue to leave us glued to our smartphones, our relationships with each other—and our cell phones—have become more intertwined and complex than ever.
Jonathan Van Viegen, a marriage and family therapist based in Central America, has brought these complexities into sharp focus with a viral social media post outlining the nine "red flags" involving cell phone behavior in relationships. Shared to Instagram on June 17, the post has resonated widely, amassing over 134,000 likes and a heated debate among his 160,000 followers.
Van Viegen, who goes by @couplestherapywithjonathan on the platform, distilled his personal and professional experience into these cautionary signs that he himself does not tolerate:
1. Not sharing passwords.
2. Hiding their phone.
3. Keeping the phone face down.
4. Turning the body or phone away when using it.
5. Closing apps or locking the phone when approached.
6. Changing the password suddenly.
7. Being inconsistent about allowing you to touch their phone.
8. Responding angrily or defensively to questions about privacy.
9. Becoming suddenly highly protective of their phone.
"In this world of social media, it's so easy to become disconnected from your spouse or significant other," Van Viegen, who is from Canada, told Newsweek. "Our behaviors have changed, too—we're more glued to the influences we discover on our phones, and it's never been easier to seek emotional connection outside of our relationships.
"Unfortunately, that's not a good thing."
The relationship therapist said that despite a burgeoning narrative that privacy and independence have become the norm, or the muscle we are all told needs flexing, most people want something different from their love lives.
"They want commitment, fidelity, loyalty, honesty, and transparency," he said. "As for my 'red flags', the deeper context is that you don't have to be okay with your partner's secret behavior around their cell phone.
"If we share our bodies with one another, shouldn't we be willing to share our phones too?"
Van Viegen said he comes from a generation where there tended to be only one phone to serve an entire household.
"In those days, you always knew who called the other people who lived with you," he said. "Now, people are scared of losing their spouse to temptation—whether emotional or physical—and that's perfectly normal.
"As a couples therapist, you'll never hear me shame people for feeling insecure in their relationship. My message is this: if you want to check your partner's phone, great. You should feel perfectly good about that."
For Van Viegen, transparency in digital behavior is paramount to building trust and reassurance in relationships. He contends that seeking reassurance in such matters, by keeping an eye on each other's digital spaces, shouldn't be shamed.
But his approach, which is in part and by his own admission derived from generational differences, has not sat well with everyone. After all, much of his viewership is on a platform dominated by Generation Z and younger Millennials.
"I get a lot of backlash from people who are hung up on individuality in relationships and who misunderstand my statements," he said. "But I also get a ton of people reaching out every day, thanking me for my content, saying how much it's helped them, and how refreshing it is.
"I never imagined that so many people would find what I have to say helpful."
Among the relationship expert's supporters is Debra Castaldo, a couples and family therapist based in New Jersey, who echoed his concerns about cellphone etiquette.
"I agree with the nine 'red flags' mentioned," Castaldo told Newsweek. "These behaviors with phones and technology scream lack of commitment, lack of integrity, and intimacy avoidance."
Castaldo outlined additional critical signs to watch for in relationships:
1. Lack of companionship, friendship, or fun.
2. Inability to regulate emotions, such as rage or withdrawal.
3. Unwillingness to solve conflict productively.
4. Sexual rejection and withholding, or addiction to sex or p*rnography.
5. Addictions to substances, gambling, or shopping.
6. Untreated mental health conditions.
"These are the core 'red flags' that I encourage everyone to observe," Castaldo said. "You must stay open to observing a new partner for at least a year.
"In actuality, in year two and three is when you will come to know a person's real character and relationship issues."
Both therapists concur that these signs, whether digital or behavioral, can be indicators of deeper issues within the relationship.
However, Thomas Banta, a clinical mental health counselor, has concerns.
"This list is a red flag," Banta told Newsweek. "One of the things I want all of my patients to look out for is a significant other's desire to control and surveil them, if your partner tries to look through your phone or interprets any desire for privacy as a threat, you are in a bad relationship.
"This list focuses on the timing of a person needing privacy, which could raise some valid suspicions, but this list reads like an insecure person needing reassurance that they aren't being cheated on, which indicates that there isn't a foundation of trust within the relationship," he said.
The counselor, who specializes in relationships and trauma, finds it might be time to move on if you find yourself looking through your partner's phone.
Van Viegen's journey to becoming a couples therapist, and coming to terms with his 'red flags' involving cell phones, is rooted in his personal experiences.
"I pursued a degree and career as a couples therapist mostly out of self-preservation," he said. "Both of my parents were divorced—twice—and I was determined that wouldn't happen to me.
"My wife and I had our fair share of ups and downs, but thanks to what I learned in graduate school and from working with over 1,000 couples, I picked up some crucial skills that I've applied to my own marriage."
As the discourse around digital behaviors in relationships continues to evolve, Van Viegen and Castaldo hope that their insights can provide a framework for couples navigating the intricacies of modern tech-infused relationships. Their message is clear: while technology has transformed how we connect, the fundamental principles of trust and openness remain as relevant as ever.
By sharing his 'red flags', Van Viegen hopes to foster a deeper understanding of the importance of digital transparency, encouraging couples to communicate openly about what they find acceptable.
"Not saying you should follow our example, so you do you, but be reassured in knowing that at least one other couple in the world isn't putting up with these disheartening 'red flags'," he said.
He added: "Don't let others make you feel bad for seeking reassurance in your relationship."
Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
